【Book Summary】 How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Details

Title: How to Win Friends and Influence People
Author: Dale Carnegie
ISBN-13: 978-1-4391-9919-0
Published Date: 1936

Author

Dale Carnegie (November 24, 1888 - November 1, 1955) was an American writer and lecturer, and the developer of courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking, and interpersonal skills. Born into poverty on a farm in Missouri, he was the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936).

One of the core ideas in his books is that it is possible to change other people's behavior by changing one's behavior towards them.

Source: Wikipedia

How to Win Friends & Influence People

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. “If You Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain-and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

2. The Big Secret of Dealing with People

Some of the things most people want include:
1. Health and the preservation of life.
2. Food.
3. Sleep.
4. Money and the things money will buy.
5. Life in the hereafter.
6. Sexual gratification.
7. The well-being of our children.
8. A feeling of importance.
Almost all these wants are usually gratified-all except one. But there is one longing-almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep-which is seldom gratified.
The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.
If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation for this side of insanity.
Flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does.
The difference between appreciation and flattery, one is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.
Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime-repeat then years after you have forgotten them.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

3. “He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way”

You are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?” This will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about our desires.
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” -Henry Ford
Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be constructed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.
“First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.” -Harry A. Overstreet
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Part 1: In a Nutshell

Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. However, people are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves.
If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way.
“It is the individuals who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.” -Alfred Adler
One can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people-things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

2. A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
“People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is much more effective teaching device than punishment.” -Professor James V. McConnell
If you don’t feel like smiling: force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness-and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
Principle 2: Smile.

3. If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble

Average person is more interested in his or her name than in all other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective complement. But forget it or misspell it- and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves; they are too busy.
The ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics.
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing with…and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual.
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

4. An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist

There is no mystery about successful business intercourse… Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that." -Charles W. Eliot
The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener-a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system.
If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.
If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other people will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

5. How to Interest People

As all leaders know, the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.

6. How to Make People Like You Instantly

If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return, we shall meet failure we so richly deserve.
There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to __?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”-little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life-and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

Part 2: In a Nutshell

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 2: Smile.
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. You Can’t Win an Argument

Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
- Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph.
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” -Ben Franklin
To keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
- Welcome the disagreement.
- Distrust your first instinctive impression.
- Control your temper.
- Listen first.
- Look for areas of agreement.
- Be honest.
- Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully.
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies-And How to Avoid It

If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.
Nobody in the heavens above or on the earth beneath or in the waters under the earth will ever object to you saying: “I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts.”
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy, and pride. And most citizens don’t want to change their minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their favorite movie star.
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus.
In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’t opinions. Never say, “You’re Wrong.”

3. If You’ve Wrong, Admit It

Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say-and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes-and most fools do-but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
When you are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong-and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves-let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

4. A Drop of Honey

It is an old and true maxim that “a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to reason -Abraham Lincoln
The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day by people who have learned that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.
The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

5. The Secret of Socrates

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing-and keep on emphasizing-the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.”
“Socratic method,” was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

6. The Safety Value in Handling Complaints

Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

7. How to Get Cooperation

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family life as well.
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

8. A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You

Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them, Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out the reason-and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.
Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
If you say to yourself, “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?” you will save yourself time and irritation, for “by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.” And, in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

9. What Everyone Wants

You deserve very little credit for being what you are-and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them.
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.
“Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults… show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.” -Dr. Arthur I. Gates
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

10. An Appeal That Everybody Likes

The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.
But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

11. The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?

Merely stating the truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be more vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

12. When Nothing Else Works, Try This

The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

Part 3: In a Nutshell

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’t opinions. Never say, “You’re Wrong.”
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.
Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

Part 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin

It is easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins with his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing. A leader will use…
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

2. How to Criticize-And Not Be Hated for It

Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment.
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.
Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

3. Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one’s own mistakes-even when one hasn’t corrected them-can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

4. No One Likes to Take Orders

Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time-even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

5. Let the Other People Save Face

Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the string!
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
Principle 5: Let the other person save face.

6. How to Spur People On to Success

Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
Single out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere-not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

7. Give a Dog a Good Name

If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
Other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

8. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique-be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it-and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

9. Making People Glad to Do What You Want

Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you can not deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
It is naive to believe you will always get a favorable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles-and if you increase your successes by even a mere 10 percent, you have become 10 percent more effective as a leader than you were before-and that is your benefit.
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Part 4: In a Nutshell

A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Principle 5: Let the other person save face.
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.